The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
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Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
A friend sent me this.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better