Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
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My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss