What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
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Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?