Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
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I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex