me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
You Might Also Like
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.