You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
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Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”