[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
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“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind