Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
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What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
forgive me baja for i have blast
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out