When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
You Might Also Like
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
accurate
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Worst bar ever.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.