might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
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Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there