Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
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Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.