Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
You Might Also Like
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.