Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
You Might Also Like
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”