[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
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so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles