[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
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I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Sorry not sorry.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.