[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
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Found a free bandaid at the pool.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
socratic questions
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
You sure about that?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Intelligence is the new cleavage
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.