My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
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I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.