Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
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Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn