my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
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If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Baller is short for ballerina
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
The old gods are rising again.
This story is comedy gold 😂
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up