wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
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My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.