If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
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genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Mission: Impossible
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake