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british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.