[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
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judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread