We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
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“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*