News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
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my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.