I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
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Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
sugar glider wrangler
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now