Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
You Might Also Like
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
same bro
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
finally found a reasonable question
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.