“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
You Might Also Like
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Sing it!
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.