No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
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College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
A drum solo but on your face.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.