Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
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As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.