This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I know
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.