High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
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Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
reminder
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?