*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
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Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful