*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
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The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
the only bumper sticker ill allow
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense