When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
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Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
HOW DARE YOU
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!