Who did this…? 💫⚡️
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Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.