Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
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i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
pls suprot
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription: