Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
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These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.