Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
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Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Quadruple digit IQ
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
do horses think humans are hats
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.