[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
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daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.