ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
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This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Imma just leave this here…………
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
#SuperBowl
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*