blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
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Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
This is a bad sign
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.