This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 馃憖
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Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn鈥檛 share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I鈥檓 pretty proud of this
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don鈥檛 know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I鈥檓 actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
My cat is trying to kill me. 馃ぃ
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
stop
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there鈥檚 no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don鈥檛 you dare!
Me: It鈥檚 a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Did you know there鈥檚 a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.