Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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How about I get 100% off by already being there
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
2022: I can fix it
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives