[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
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At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever