Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
You Might Also Like
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.