*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
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Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on