When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
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ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!