I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
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Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.