Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Straight people are cancelled
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.